miracle

hi baby,

how are you? did you know you have doubled in size this week?  we saw your heartbeat today.  i thought that the very idea of you was a cruel trick the world was playing on me until i saw your heartbeat; that quick tiny blip on the ultrasound screen.  before i saw you today for the first time, i tried to pretend like nothing was different, like i didn't care one way or another, because i was so sure you weren't real.  we didn't think you would be strong enough to hang on because my body is broken.  i am so sorry for not believing in you, and I'm sorry for not believing in my body.  it turns out you and my body are both much stronger than my mind is, sometimes grown-ups just get antsy when they feel they aren't in control of everything.. and the truth is i do care.. i really really do.

none of us could believe it when we saw those two lines on the test!  i had been seeing a special doctor for a few months to try and get my body ready to be pregnant.. you weren't supposed to be able to happen without a lot of help! after that test said positive, i paced around the kitchen with my hand on my forehead and said "oh my gosh" over and over and over again.  daddy stood there and watched me, totally unsure if i was having a panic attack or a normal reaction to finding out there's a little person in my tummy.  but even after you were a real little thing, nobody was sure my body would let you hold on.

but over a month later, here we are! you're in the right place, the doctors called you "viable" and you even look like you're reaching your little arms up, ready to be held. i will be 9 weeks on Friday, and you'll be the size of a green olive! i have dreamed about you my whole entire life-- I've wondered what you will look like, what foods you will love and hate, whether you'll cry or be soothed by a warm bath, and what kind of blankie or stuffed animal you will choose as your favorite thing in the whole wide world.  i can't wait for you to wrap your little hands around my finger, or to kiss your tiny toes.  you have the best daddy in the world, and you are so very loved already.  hang in there little one, if you can. we just can't wait to meet you.

love you forever,
mommy