valenbarf karma novel

I'm writing about this because it has taken 3 months for me to emotionally process my current situation.  And having it written down seems to somehow make it more manageable.  Just a paragraph at a time.  I've painted it, sung about it, drank about it, dreamt about it, composed to it.  And now it's time to write about it.

I'm guilty.

I would rather be miserable than be alone.

that cliche.  the pathetic people club.

I spend all my time with my ex-boyfriend just as friends even though we were together for almost 5 years, because it's comfortable.  Because I'm too afraid to go out into the world alone right now.  We only talk and sleep.  We don't love each other anymore and we both know it.  I don't even remember when this happened, me being co-dependent.  I used to be most comfortable on my own.  I didn't need anybody.  But we keep each other company.  It's pitiful.

After we first broke up, I had a really great time. I moved out, played and dated, carefree.  And then out of nowhere, I was blindsided by a broken heart that I wasn't even aware I was setting myself up for. 

I had experienced a feeling I didn't recognize, a chemistry with another person that knocked me to the ground.  When we were in the same room, the tension was so thick I literally couldn't find words.  I couldn't even look at him.  Which came off as me being distant and uninterested.

One day, with my head resting on his chest, I became suddenly aware of something, and I just knew what it was immediately.  It hit me like a train.

"I love him."

I wasn't even sure what kind of love it was.  The forever kind, or the friends kind, but he can do no wrong in my eyes.  He could say things and do things that I would never allow from another person, like talk about feelings and shit..  I wouldn't even have minded if I had seen him cry, and that is usually my deal breaker with guys.

I didn't care if he was destined to be rich or poor, fat or thin, successful, happy or rude, he was my perfect.  Even when we were as close as you can be, I just wanted to be closer still.  Closer than the physical allows.  I wanted to melt into him.  I didn't care if I just had to be his friend for the rest of my life, I just knew I needed to be near him.

& then one day, it was over.  Perhaps I can say the energy we had was just due to the fact that we are complete polar opposites.  Or because we had known each other for so long, but never really knew each other.  I don't know.  I felt like the magnitude we created by being next to each other had an affect on the universe, the weather, the moon, water and air.  It was that powerful.

But it was over just the same.  At first I thought it was no big deal, I'd get over it.  Then it hit me, I realized I had never been more upset about losing somebody in my entire life.  I don't even know what I had pictured us being, we had never even talked about it.  Friends, neighbors, something. 

But there I was.  Crushed like I had never been before.  Feeling like he hated me, and that I would never see him again.  Wondering that if I had just told him how I felt, hadn't kept pretending to be such a carefree party animal, and showed him who I really was, would things have been different.

I couldn't even cry about it because I didn't know why the hell I would be crying. What had even happened? Because maybe I had made the whole thing up in my mind?  No, that couldn't be it.  He felt it too.  He said so.  Because I was rejected, not good enough, not pretty enough, or skinny enough?  I just don't know how you can experience something like that and not pay some sort of deeper acknowledgement.  How could I just brush it off as nothing?

My best friend, who knows me better than anyone in the world, pointed out something I already knew, but had refused to acknowledge:  I had done the same thing to other guys.  I had done the same thing to every other guy I had ever known.

Cast, flirt, reel, catch, release damaged, disappear, & question their feelings as if we had been absolutely nothing..  I have let human beings walk away from me, crying.  Shattered, just like me.

One asked, "So what, I am just another one of your toys? What is supposed to happen to me, to you, now?  My name is just added to your list?  and I simply responded "Yeah, this is the part where you get out of my car.  You weren't supposed to get attached."

Another practically screamed a monologue to me, about how I was too damaged to realize when a good guy, a person who actually loved me, was standing right in front of me.  And because I use people, I was bored with him and throwing him out so I could move on to my next victim.  A new hobby to entertain me for a few weeks.  I just ran away and changed my number.

At the times, I thought the guys I abandoned were being dramatic. Emotional. Stalker-crazy.  But they weren't.  Now I feel what they felt, and I can't believe I caused anybody to feel this helpless, and out of their mind.  I'm afraid to open my mouth to anybody because I will sound like a psycho crazy stalker about this boy that I can't get out of my head.

The people I abandoned all call every once in a while, and I tolerate them, just the way I am humored when I reach out to the boy who I can't forget about.

karma is a cold-hard bitch to cold-hard bitches. 

so now I'm here, knowing how powerfully I can feel about another person, and refusing to allow anybody to know me.  I haven't even kissed another guy since.  Because nobody will ever measure up.

& I don't even want to let anybody else try.  so I stay where I am comfortable, and everybody thinks I am just being lazy.

I met an investment banker from San Francisco last week.  His mother is trying to set us up.  He's successful, brilliant, amazing.  But he just won't do.

Now I know what it's like to be standing alone in a burning room.