morning

today is the earliest i have been awake in months probably.  I was up wayyy before the sun// 

and it was amazing.  I'm a nocturnal creature.  I love the dark empty night when it feels like you are the only one under the star speckled universe, and the chills that reach your bones when the invisible blanket of black sky breezes past.  but 5 am kind of felt like midnight today.  the difference is birds.  i felt almost voyeuristic witnessing the earth in the deepest sleep, and then seeing it wake up, all bright eyed with anticipation for the new day.

and the birds.  when I close my eyes I can bring myself back to my childhood, hearing the birds through my window.  with the smell of freshly watered dew-tipped lawns outside.  back then I felt like my life would always be that secure and concrete, but I still remember savoring the sound of birds in the morning, just in case there came a time later in life when I wouldn't hear them. how monte cristo of my little kid brain.

so there's a guy in my life, and we will call him Jack.  Jack is I think the best friend I've ever had.  We're eerily and disgustingly similar.  And he knows more about me than any one person in the world, more than even I know about myself.  He's one of the only people who's advice I take seriously.  i feel like i can tell him anything, and I actually do.  the sad part of the story is that he is one of the first men who I have cared for deeply that hasn't been in my life in a sexual way.  he is like a brother and he means the world to me.

this guy knows the deepest corners of my love life.  and he can tell when i'm hormonal or hungry. and he knows when i'm nervous or scared, or faking anything. so he confronted me yesterday about why i was acting weird.  and that's when i realized i have so much anxiety about leaving orem!  family town, usa is not where i belong right now.  but like many situations in my life, i usually stay where i feel most comfortable, even if it's not healthy.  until I'm almost shoved into a new world.

I officially move to park city next thursday.  that's in 5.75 days.  sometimes, a random sob almost escapes when I imagine life not in utah valley.  i have been surrounded by cascade, timp and utah lake my entire life.  I'm still not sure how I feel about the idea, or how i will react when i lay down to sleep in my new house for the first time.  I imagine my other bff ketel one will need to be heavily involved.

cheers to growing up.