the manicured wildchild: dating, hooking up, booty calls & mind games

I think Jemma said it best when she said the following: "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a casual girl. Do you want me, or not? What is it you think I need? Love? Only men need to be loved, sweetheart. Women, we need to be wanted."

like really? does it have to be complicated?

if you like me, and I like you, then that's that. right?

I have never understood why it's necessary to play games, play hard to get, pretend like you're not interested just to keep things interesting.

why is it a turn off to act like you're in to somebody?

it's childish, confusing, and causes a lot of unnecessary self-doubt.

but then again, I guess that's why I'm still interested.

you tease.

I was talking to my grandma about the ironies of dating. A few weeks ago, when I was actively looking for romance, there was none to be found. Cue cricket noises.

& then, when I stopped trying and just said eff it, I don't care anymore, it's like the flood gates of men flew open.

I spent time with 6 boys in less than 9 days. and texted or emailed or talked to at least 4 others. It's impossible to keep the conversations straight. All too often, a conversation would happen where I started with "were you the one that told me (insert an obscure current event here) oh, yeah, that wasn't you. sorry!"

or, "oh my gosh, remember when (blank) happened. Oh? That wasn't you, huh? sorry."

So back to the conversation with my grandmother. Being the sweetheart she is, she wanted to help me sort through my current dilemma. She proceeded to help me rank the boys. 1st & 2nd place were left empty, 2 were tied for 3rd, and then I didn't really care who took 4th, 5th and 6th.

She said: well, honey, one of these days, somebody is going to come along and rise to the top like cream on top of milk. Wise words, but I'm still left wondering. My grandma thinks it's perfectly acceptable to date tons of boys at the same time. I don't have the lady balls to ask her if that includes hooking up with all of them.

I told Jack about a particularly gorgeous boy that I had several amazing nights with, and then in the morning, aforementioned gorgeous boy was totally awkward and barely spoke to me. Every time. Jack looked at me like I was an idiot: "isn't that, like, perfect for you? you hate when guys act like they like you."

true. but still.

Maybe I'm just not the long term kind of girl. It seems like every guy I hook up or hang out with with treats it like a booty call because I kind of make it seem like that's all it was to me. Because in the back of my mind, I'm terribly terrified of seeming too overbearing or needy, or emotional.

I don't know if I've met anybody I'd like to have a relationship relationship with yet anyway, so now, moving on to:

The Social Acceptability and Ethical Indecency of the Booty Call Arrangement

When you meet somebody that you get along with, that is inherently good looking, has at least a few skills and possesses relatively acceptable grammar, should you pursue it? even if you know you're not perfect for each other and probably won't last? I don't really see why not. Does it make me a huge slut to be perfectly okay with the fact that if I like kissing you and you like kissing me, we should just be friends and kiss sometimes, all need for feelings and deep connections purposefully disregarded?

at this point in time, I don't need a relationship, and I don't really need to be loved by anyone in particular. I just want attention and to have fun and be wanted. simple. you don't have to pay my bills, be there for me to cry on, or memorize my cycle. you don't necessarily have to buy me gifts, remember my birthday, ditch your friends to bring me ice cream etc etc. I've got all that locked down myself. I can give you all the love you need, without requiring any type of commitment, or having to give you any.

Is it damaging to your soul to use/be used by people? Is it damaging to others? I don't really think so, but then again, what do I know? Does it cheapen you as a human being, or make you more aware of exactly what you do and do not like, because you have opened yourself up to so many more people and experiences?

I'm overthinking this.

Of course I wouldn't hook up with some random stranger. Even my booty calls have to fit a few standards. I have to like them as people, and be friends with them, and hang out with them on a regular basis.

am I the female version of a man? & why the heck are all these boys seemingly the male versions of women?

If I like kissing you, but know you aren't exactly what I'm looking for, can't we just be buddies? isn't an uncomplicated best friend with benefits AND boobs like every guy's dream girl?

You don' have to assume that I'm easy, or a whore. Just that I know what I want when I want it and don't believe it's necessary to play games to get what I want out of you.

but then begins the unending circle of questioning my moral code. I may be kidding myself to think that when I'm actually ready to be in a relationship, everything will work out perfectly. We'll go on actual dates and have an actual 'first kiss' that's more than making out in a car parked off of Main Street.

Is there a certain age where you should start acting like a responsible adult with the bar set high and enforce an impeccable set of morals? Or should you just always act like that? Nobody seems to know.

if there is an age, I'm sure 23 isn't it. so party on I will, I think.