disjointed retrospect with no real point.

1. if you're too busy for tea or hot lemon water in the morning, something is wrong.
2. when you find yourself talking about yourself too much, you need to take some time by yourself in your thoughts for yourself.
3. if you're too preoccupied for yoga, there is something negative in your life that needs to be addressed, STAT.

I almost had my heart broken for a second the other day.  A boy lied.  And I don't even understand why, because it was a lie to act as an excuse to not hang out.  It wouldn't bother me for a moment if he had just told me he had plans, truth was, I did too. or I wish he wouldn't have said anything in the first place. because the fact that somebody felt like they had to lie to me kind of hurt.

I'm such a girl.

 anyway.

I'm just so happy today.  not the thrilling exciting kind of happy, just the enlightening kind of happy that makes you want to cry, because for a few quiet moments today, I could see so clearly all I have to be grateful for.

and in those few moments, I could see so clearly things I have done recently that maybe need to change.

I need more tea, more yoga, and I should probably stop talking so much.

I wonder if other people ever get that feeling, that they're talking way too much. not in just one conversation, but just in general, over a span of time.

I remember being 12 and watching an older girl in my neighborhood.  she was always the center of attention, super loud, super inappropriate, she could laugh at herself so easily. everybody loved her. and I compared  my super quiet, easily embarrassed self to her.  I made myself a promise that someday I would be funny and loud and shock people with the funny things that came out of my mouth.

so now,  I brag too much, I give in to petty gossip, I say too many naughty words, have too many inappropriate conversations, and I share too much with too many.  and the more I talk the faker I feel.  like people are laughing with a girl who is not really me.  the persona I started trying too hard to develop a decade ago to hide the shy, quiet girl I used to be too ashamed to show.

the secret to being boring is to say everything. -Voltaire

I'm a wife and a mother at heart.  I can't wait to be those two things.  but it's like there constant battle inside me between being good and bad, kind and rude, worldly and grateful, loud and quiet.  can you be two opposing things at the same time?

it's like I can see myself being so happy just living on barely any money, on a beach somewhere not American, without worrying about brand names and designer labels and appearances.  just me, a little family, a simple yoga studio or surf shop and the ocean.  and I can also see myself being a professional mom and corporate ladder-climber, with granite counter tops, impeccably dressed children, manicured lawns, PTA meetings, a Nordstrom credit card and neighborhood gatherings with all the other cool parents.



I have no idea know where I think I'm going with this, but it's good to get it out.