thoughtvomit

I wonder why realtors dress like that.. and also why people get scared of other people. and I wonder why I like people so easily.  I wonder why he smiles like that, all toothy, like Chiclets.  I wonder if police know that they are treated like prostitutes.. people can't stand you until they need you. that reminds me of that cop that lives in my neighborhood.  He loves to salsa dance.  I only know this because he threw a salsa party once, and I showed up with a basket of produce.  I thought we were going to make salsa. Not the case.  Speaking of salsa, I miss my garden.  and all the memories that grew out of it.  & drunken midnight garden pickings and laying in hammocks eating tomatoes.  I miss growing things in general.  I think I've been thinking too much about myself.  I should probably get a plant. Herbs grow too quickly, so maybe I'll get a weepy one that I can put on top of my armoir and have it weep down.  weep, what a strange word.  It makes me think of Mary and Jesus and medieval maidens.  And those dandelions that weep white when you pick them.  Speaking of dandelions..  "Carl? Yes, Frank? he rUined our SAlad"  I think those rhinos were Kinsey 6.  I like that term.  Kinsey Six.  It seems kind of taboo to overuse it though.  Like racial slurs.  Maybe it's like the N-word, and it's usually only offensive to use if you aren't black or if you're not way good friends with the person you're calling the n-word in a joking manner. have you seen that commercial with all the different racial insults, with the cute handicapped girl.  I've always thought that handicapped people just have stronger souls than the rest of us.  In church they told us that handicapped people were the most valiant of Jesus' soldiers, and so he blessed them with a Go to Heaven Free Pass, and promised them they wouldn't be held responsible for anything they did.  I'm not sure if that's a blessing or not.  Maybe it is.  I think I would be too much of a coward deep down to actually deal with something that.. I don't know... crippling?  everyone has their own struggles, I guess I'm just grateful that my can be kept hidden for the most part.. Secrets. who even cares. Ego, vanity. Run, whirlwind, run.  I've always been a whirlwind.  I wish I wasn't.  fast inconsistent quick to change my mind completely.  It's funny how you can know better, know the good reasons why you shouldn't do something, but then do it anyway. what do they call that behavior? inconsistency, self-torture, drama-addiction?.  I think that's the difference between successful and unsuccessful people.  you have to understand exactly what it is you have to give up before you can have what you truly want. and then you have to actually give whatever it is up. but how do you even decide if what you truly want is something that should be truly wanted? that's a hard one.  right now vs. someday.  life's short? I guess so.. but at the same time not really.  a minute is a long time if you're waiting for it to end.  I wonder if there is a term for the way our brains sort through which things are important, and which things to push to the background.  like your mind is still aware that time is passing, happening, ticking, but it's not in the forefront of your consciousness.  and so time flies.  I was told about this one time, I think in yoga class.  About how your brain and body and ears and skin are so sensitive that it would literally drive a person completely clinically insane to be aware of every touch and sound and feeling and muscle and bone and heartbeat and nerve.  But it's all still happening, constantly, neverending. how strange, that your brain does that-- chooses what's important enough to present to your conscious acknowledgement.  I wonder if our brains know everything there is to know about everything, but our brains know our person well enough to know that we simply couldn't handle the truth about everything. We would react with so much emotion it would crush us.  I wonder where emotions come from.. they usually aren't on purpose, are they? I can't remember.  I guess they do say that your attitude and your reaction to any situation is always up to you.  I don't really know if it is, I think it's definitely up to us to decide if we should ignore our initial reaction or hide it away from others lest they judge you. what a silly game we humans created. feel, hide, fake, lie, judge, forgive, forget, pretend. really we are all just the same mess of bones and guts and blood.  its just the little details that change. Maybe that's what this current generation realized, is that we are just all the same and its not very much more complicated than that. That's why everyone is so desperate to prove they are different.  Differently oriented or styled or determined or angry, just to try to be different, but why try so hard. I just wish everybody would get along and stop trying so hard to prove themselves and outspeak it to others, when really you should just be proving to yourself that you aren't a selfish pathetic little person doing all the things pathetic little people do. like hate and lie and steal and hurt.  that's all.