sound advice

remember when I wrote about intuition, and about how I just knew that somebody was being dishonest with me?  and I hated obsessing about it, wondering.  it made me feel like I was being that girl.  the insecure, clingy, overbearing, emotional one.

but guess what? I was 100% right.  about every hunch I had.  and it burned just a little.  it hurt to find out that someone tried to fool me, use me, play me like a pawn. I let him sting me like a wasp.

more than anything it stung to realize that I should have trusted myself.  that very first day that I knew something was off, I should have backed away instead of staying, and endlessly questioning myself and my questions.  the second I became shy because I was suddenly worried, for no apparent reason, about my own heart, my own safety.  that's when I should have admitted to myself what I already knew. forced myself to believe it, even if I had no proof.

i'm ashamed to remember being excited, getting butterflies, thinking, about him. that warm fuzz that I felt when he said he wanted more. or that hot, searing, pulsating red flush that enveloped me when I ran into her walking out of his door.  I had smiled at this girl in passing a thousand times, never knowing that we, and other girls, were being fooled by the same boy.  she was no longer a figment of my uneasy imagination.

these games.

and so, I lick my freshly opened wound.

that jagged old wound we all got the first time we realized that not all people are good, and not all people are nice..

when somebody shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time.

lady laurel told me last night 'it's okay to hurt, and sometimes it's okay to be hurt by others.  because that means you still trust in humanity.  you believe people are good until they give you a reason to think they are not. that's part of what makes you beautiful.  don't ever let yourself get to the point where you believe all people are bad until they give you a reason to believe they are not.'

I really do believe that people are good, deep down, and I won't ever stop believing that.  i'm good, but I have done bad things before.  sometimes we just get ahead of ourselves, accidentally say words we shouldn't, get caught up in the moment, trip and get tangled in too many webs at one time (ahem, or in his situation, tangled in too many girls)

well, blame it on the web, but the spider is your problem now.

and that spider is called karma.

this morning, jack stopped by and said 'you knew, and I knew you knew, but you wouldn't have believed me until you saw it for yourself.  just learn to rely on your intuitive nature, and you will always be okay.  promise.' my, how I freaking love jack.

I took a couple minutes to get over it, and now I no longer hope to run into my wasp so I can flip him off, or ask him who he thinks he is, or call him out for getting my hopes up. or wait for him to ask me what i'm doing tonight so I can point at him, and cock my head to both sides and chime: 'not you!'

in fact, I wish to be nothing but kind.

but well played, pal. thanks for the reminder.

cheers to trusting yourself first.