awfulizing

hi baby,

it broke my heart to learn that tiny babies cry while they're still in their mommy's tummy.  soundlessly, because you have no air, but the movements and brainwaves are the same as a baby crying earthside.  you are growing so quickly -- does it hurt?  is that what makes you cry?  I wish more than anything I could keep you from hurting or crying, but like it always does, life brutally reminded me this past week that pain and crying are necessary for all of us to grow and change.

--- 

I can always tell when I'm growing.  Not literal growing, although I'm doing a lot of that too lately, but figurative growing.  because it hurts, and I squirm, and I fight it, and fidget and writhe around like a pathetic little flounder, and I resist it so frantically that I start to fall apart.  change can be harsh and uncomfortable, especially when it's fast and hard. ask any teething child. or pregnant lady. :) I'm finding that the physical growth of pregnancy is nothing compared to the psychological adjustment.

and pregnancy ain't no etch-a-sketch.  this is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet. (10 points if you can name that movie.) (and not that I want to undo my doodle, just slow it way, way, wayyyyy down. haha)

philip reminded me the other day to stop 'awfulizing' everything and I almost snapped back "I'm not awfulizing, I'm being realistic." but then I thought about it and our whole society tends to focus on the awful potential, and not the wonderful.  I have been totally guilty of predominantly thinking about all the barf and poop and noise and cost and inconvenience of having a baby -- I'm terrified of the post-partum period, and what having a baby might do to the relationship that I value more than anything, and I have no idea how to raise a human. But I've totally forgotten to think about the way a baby looks at you and touches your cheek while they're being rocked and fed, and I can't even begin to imagine the way my own baby might look at me. and maybe, just like pregnancy, post-partum will be completely different and not nearly as miserable as I imagine.  and I kind of feel like I project how terrible I know it's going to be to keep people from offering up unsolicited words of warning.  but we even teach our kids to awfulize the things they so look forward to, telling them to enjoy childhood now because being an adult and going to work and paying bills and driving in traffic sucks.  but does it? not really! paying bills is not any more sucky than having your parents tell you what to do all day long, and I'll take traffic any day to only being able to go as far as the end of the street.  we are taught from a young age to almost be ashamed when life is so good that you can't stop smiling about it..  that talking about how well something is going is 'bragging'  but is it, really? I think we all could use a little more loud obnoxious positivity.  I cannot wait to see philip napping on the couch with our baby on his chest, just the two of them breathing together.  It's going to be amazing to see my baby's squinting swollen perfect little eyes for the first time, or to watch him learning to walk, stumbling around with his arms out for balance like a baby-zombie, with the sweet expression his daddy has, and probably running into stuff just like I do.  I can't wait to see him get excited about something that the rest of us take for granted, like a potato bug, and then pick it up with pudgy baby fingers and put it in his slobbery mouth to see what it tastes like, wrinkling his nose when he isn't sure about potato bugs anymore.  certainly these little things will make all the figurative and literal stretching worth it.