grown up

when I am stuck in maddening traffic, or there's a huge line at the grocery store, or I have to talk to a less-than-helpful/competent customer service person, or I have to stop and fill my gas tank for the billionth time, I wonder "is this how grown ups do this?" like all the "successful" adults with mortgages went through the same forever-long process pk and I are going through to buy a house? and all these grown ups that contribute to a retirement fund like I do, do they have the intention of actually using it someday? because I can't even begin to imagine being grown up enough to retire. but those grown ups, you know the ones I'm talking about, they do all of this too? do they feel the same way? does being a grown up seem as weird to them as it does to me?  all the mature grown up parents with kids went through the wonder and terror and complete unknown of pregnancy, just like I am right now? did they handle it with more grace than I'm seeming to be able to muster? those grown ups that know how to parent that have always seemed sooooo much more grown up than I am, it happened to them the same way it's happening to me? do their step-kids ask them questions too, and they wonder if they should go find a real grown up to check with before answering and leading a little kid astray for life?  i thought being perpetually annoyed with other people and saying immature things and picking little fights were things that went away once you became a "real" grown up.  when did somebody flip that switch that turned me in to a grown up doing all the grown up things?!  I'm almost positive I'm not mature enough for any of this. do all the other grown ups feel generally mature enough when they started doing grown up things, or did it just happen to them so they went with it, the way it's happening to me? is there a course I forgot to enroll in or something? I never passed any test to prove I'm qualified for any of this stuff.

I constantly observe the rest of the world trying to see if I'm doing it right.  And after 25 years of wondering about it, I think I just realized that there is no definitive specific moment you officially become a grown up. it just happens to you, so slowly you barely notice. and hopefully by the time you do realize it, you know yourself well enough to be able to adapt.

anyway, hi baby boy!  you are seriously getting so strong!  at first, your movements were just pokes and taps and flutters.  but I'm starting to get nervous thinking about how strong you are going to get laying next to all my guts I would prefer to remain undamaged! hopefully you'll be a little too squished to use all your strength in another month or so. but for now, you have enough room to still do somersaults and stretch your little legs out as hard and straight as you can right against me. my belly moves like a wave when you turn over, and your THUMP THUMP THUMPS are sometimes strong enough to wake me up in the middle of the night!  although since I found out about you, I never sleep as deeply as I used to.  my instincts never let me fall all the way asleep.  i always stay on the edge of consciousness, always aware of you, not rolling over and laying on you, always worrying about you.  i'll bet that's how all mamas feel for their whole lives once they have their babies.

you're about a foot long now. I can't wrap my mind around that!  we'll be six months along next week. it's going by so quickly!  I definitely have a belly now, but it still kind of looks like a beer gut most of the time.  I've gained about 3 pounds now, probably 4 since I ate that bag of almond m&ms.  I've gained less than the normal 15-20, but I feel great and you are growing just fine, so doctors aren't worried, and I am grateful because I was so afraid of gaining 9389234 pounds..  I've been seeing a wonderful new chiropractor every other day that adjusts my pelvis and my spine... for a while there I thought my pelvis was crumbling and falling apart!  hopefully it holds together long enough to get you earthside without causing too much back labor for mama :)  I love buying things to put in your room, and researching and trying to pick the rocking chair that you and I will spend so much time in, and reading about how to feed you and take care of you.  I'm trying to study and prepare and learn as much as I can for the biggest scariest most miraculous project of my life. I promise i'll try my hardest to be a good mama.

feel free to keep on karate chopping me, ninja child. most times, it makes me smile, and lets me know you're still doing okay in there. :)

love,
mama