absorbing

i found you

you found me

out of all the people

places

what a thought 

that our paths crossed

so much has happened

it's been so easy with you

like i've done this my whole life 

it's been a little swift, but then again

i've always done everything fast

i keep fearing that i'll open my eyes

and life will go back to normal

my old normal, my old home

that old normal is a dead beaten horse

that cozy home i carved out of dirt

i understand, i really do

that it's for the best that it's gone

for the better of me and him

turning over a new leaf, a new life

means taking only lessons from the old one

and physically leaving it behind

leaving him to turn over his own new leaf

but this scar tissue still burns, just a little

that dull pain i knew as comfort feels newly raw

when i think that things will never be the same

the same girl i was that summer, those kids he & i were

and that same life that i really loved sometimes

for so many years, he felt like home to me
sure i came and went as i pleased
 we slowly wrenched each others hearts out
but i always went back and
he was always there waiting
we kept each other company
while we both tried to grow up

 i remind myself that eventually, someday

this new house won't feel so foreign

i'll have comfortable, normal, be home again

but the right way this time, with you

someday this family will feel like mine

things won't all be so new

fun and thrilling, right now, yeah

but so so scary too. 

it's scary to know that if you left

 i don't know if i would ever be okay

i wonder if i know what i'm doing

or if i've thought this through

i don't doubt you for a second

or how wonderful you are

you and i were made for each other

but i let it creep in

that self doubt

of my intentions

my beauty

my integrity

my value

it's scary to know that if you left

i don't think i would ever be okay again

do i dare hand you over my sword? my soul?

 and not just bits and pieces, but give you my whole heart?

sometimes it hits me, hard in my lungs

like a blow to the back that knocks out your breath

like i'm watching my life on a movie reel

i just stand still

not breathing

shake it off

hold your hand

and swallow

absorbing all of this

this new life

this new love

this new girl

that i'm becoming

i tell myself that it's okay

to let the past still sting

i remind myself that it's alright

to be a little overwhelmed, and scared

you and our future are so worth it.

truly.